Can't You See

If you can’t tell yet again from my previous less ambiguous post, I basically fell in love and tried to deny it. At least that’s what I told my family, friends, coworkers, neighbor, and ex-girlfriends. It can be quite embarrassing, awkward, and some say pathetic to admit especially when you’re walking off the plank alone. However I’ve always thought expressing one’s feelings was a sign of strength. But perhaps it takes a better person to hold all that inside. Call me weak. I don’t care. It’s hard to hurt a man that’s already down.

Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
- Leonard Cohen (Hallelujah)

So I lost…my heart. It’s my fault. I gave it away stubbornly and foolishly. At least it wasn’t stolen. But that makes it more difficult to get back, because she has my respect for not taking it. I’m pretty sure she lost hers somewhere in the past and never had it to share anyways. Meanwhile, other girls keep giving me their heart without reason. Oh, the irony. It’s utterly amazing how attracted women are to you when you ignore them, offer nothing, and are completely apathetic. It’s equally perplexing how fast they will turn the other way when you express the slightest interest. It’s like asking to dance is a marriage proposal. I think that’s partly a hazard of my age and stable situation. Sometimes I wish I had nothing (no house, no job, no truck, and no future) so that my life was not inherently defined by everything around me. Plus the last thing I want is someone to like me for artificial reasons. So here we are. I’ve never watched one, but it sounds like a daytime soap opera.

Before I continue talking about love, let’s get this straight – I am in no way qualified to talk about love. Is anyone? I would put more worth into the unjaded opinion of youth that have never had their heart broken or an elderly couple that has been married for half a century and overcome all obstacles. Also, oldies, rock and roll, and country music seem to have a lot of good ways to describe it. I realize it’s not all cupcakes and unicorns and that it requires teamwork, compromise, and such. Obviously all relationships have internal struggles that we may be better off without, but walking into an empty home every single day after work for nearly a decade can drive a man insane. I refuse to follow the negative train of thought that all relationships lead to heartache and pain. 

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
- Garth Brooks (The Dance)

Perhaps the most precious thing in this world does indeed hinge on semantics. It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. It’s easy to “fall in love” but to look someone in the eyes and tell them “I love you” are two different worlds. The former happens without consent from either individual, and the latter is a promise from one to another. However, the catch remains…how can one ever say they love another without falling in love first? It’s like being born. We can’t choose our parents or what town we are from, but we can decide whether to love our home and stay there or leave and search for something else. And I do believe we can grow to love a new home or a new friend. We don’t have to trip and fall in love at first sight…that should actually be a warning sign of something superficial. What does head over heels mean anyways? My head is already over my heels. If I tripped, my heels might then travel over my head. All this explains my previous admission about crushes and somewhat conflicts with my desire to only follow a spark. A fire doesn’t always have to start with a flint. Friction and heat have the same effect in time. So like I said before, it’s partly beyond our control and partly a decision.

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.”
– Bruce Lee

So maybe I fell in love…big deal. I will never use that word in verb form until the feeling is found to be mutual. I still reserve the right to follow my heart…or slap myself, get it back, and save it for someone that will appreciate it. I think the best thing to do now is leave it all alone. I love the state where I’m from and likely will spend the rest of my days in it. But if you asked me that the last day of high school, I would have said good riddance and already crossed the border to college hundreds of miles away. It wasn’t until I left that I realized how much I loved home.

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”

After writing, reading, editing, and re-reading all this several times I’m still not sure any of it makes sense or ties together. Can’t you see?

Don't Fall in Love!

So if you can’t tell from my previous somewhat ambiguous post, I had a pretty big crush on someone.  Big enough to format my heart into a bullet point utopian happily ever after list fit to scare away every single girl on the planet.  I use the past tense because the present is constantly changing and the future is never known.  I use the term crush because that’s what it was.  Infatuation.  Love at first sight.  Temporal madness.

I felt like a schoolboy about to hold hands for the first time in my life.  We never held hands though.  We never even went on a real date or shared a kiss.  Yet the atmosphere would change around her; the air would feel inexplicably different.  If there were a barometer on the wall, it would shake like an erratic compass set at the North Pole axis.  A simple smile would ignite spark plugs and override a medical pacemaker.  You could sit me in front of a runway lined with supermodels and I would only see her.

“Happiness and sanity are an impossible combination”. – Mark Twain

Crazy?  Perhaps.  Scary?  You bet.  I’m sure that’s what she thinks and it’s hard to disagree.  The common advice from my handful of close friends and family is “don’t fall in love”.  My initial reaction was why not?  What kind of cold world do we live in where love is frowned upon or something to run from?  However, for me this has nothing to do with love...yet.  Maybe it never will.  Time will tell.

I’ve had crushes before (not of this magnitude), but none that lasted.  They all turned out as blessings in disguise.  Therefore, I find myself reluctantly glad to be in the friend zone.  I don’t want to break another heart any more than I want mine broken.  I don’t want another relationship to start for the wrong reason.  But neither do I want to start one without a spark.  I’ve been down both roads before and neither seemed fit for love.

Love is the biggest word in the world and the most powerful force in life.  I could go on quoting Book of Corinthians, Sophocles, Diana Ross, or George Strait and analyze every philosophical aspect of what love is, but in reality it’s something that can’t be fully defined.  Some say it’s a decision and a commitment.  Some say it’s fate and beyond our control.  I say it’s all these things.  Nothing is black and white, and all words have more than one meaning.  Love is both a noun and verb.  The most precious thing on earth should not hinge on a debate over semantics.

Does any of that make sense?  If not…good.  The only thing I know for sure about love, is that it doesn’t make sense.  If it did make clear perfect sense, it would cease to exist.  It would instead morph into some conditional checklist, mathematical equation, or scorecard matrix.  We are not robots set to binary code.  We are human.

I've reached the only logical conclusion
Love ain't supposed to make sense
This ain't no thinkin' thing, right brain, left brain
It goes a little deeper than that
It's a chemical, physical, emotional devotion
Passion that we can't hold back
There's nothin' that we need to analyze
There ain't no rhym or reason why
- Trace Adkins (This Ain't No Thinkin' Thing)

Hello, is there anybody in there?

I can’t explain what this is about, because I’m not even sure myself…plus you just have to figure some things out on your own.

 

• My perfect mate would not be perfect. 
• She would be human and have feelings.
• She would be strong enough to admit her own errors and tell me when I am wrong. 
• Everyone has faults…love is when you appreciate those faults. 
• Nothing would be hidden...honesty is being open without inquisition. 
• We would have enough similarities to enjoy life together and enough differences to learn from each other.
• She would be my best friend above and beyond anything else.
• We would both want the same from life.
• Her hair color and skin type would not matter because she would be as beautiful with grey hair and wrinkles as the day I met her. 
• I would see the world in her eyes and feel heaven in her arms. 
• Her voice would sound special.
• Her scent would affect your brain in ways you don’t even know.
• She would erase all doubts and take all desire.
• She would accept me for who I am and change me just enough to know it matters.
• The past would disappear and future be seen. 
• My heart would beat. 
• I would be nervous at first but comfortable at last. 
• There would be no fear.
• She would be hard to get but easy to have.
• Obstacles would only strengthen us.
• She would ask and never assume.
• She would understand misunderstandings.
• We would trust ourselves over anyone else. 
• I would be as right for her as she was right for me. 
• There would be an inexplicable connection. 
• We could communicate without speaking. 
• You would hate to leave her for work, but do it because it helped support your family. 
• She would put me on a natural high.
• We would dance slow, dance fast, dance drunk, and dance sober.
• We could walk anywhere…even the plank or the aisle.
• We would always be each other’s number one priority.
• In sickness and in health.
• Happiness would be contagious.
• Smiles would come without effort.
• We would laugh at serious matters and be serious about funny matters.
• We would believe in each other.
• I would not feel alone when she is away.
• We could make fun of each other and not get offended.
• Responsibility would be shared without complaint.
• Arguments would be civil.
• Fights would only be with big soft pillows (feather for her, cotton for me…to keep it fair)
• The risk in knowing that any day either could be gone would be no risk at all.
• Odd or even number of flower petals would not matter.
• Flowers would not matter....thoughts and actions would.
• We could sit outside a closed coffee shop for hours and be content staring at traffic.
• I would just keep adding to this list as time went on.

 

Wow.  That all sounds unreal and intimidating.  So I guess she would have to also not take life too seriously.  You know the rest of the quote…it’s cliché.

Why should I start a blog?

Why should I start a blog?  I don't even know what the definition of a blog is or what purpose it may serve.  I could go on studying the matter infinitely and reading what others have written to develop a reference point for starting...or I could just start writing on this blank page: an electronic tabula rasa for which to empty my mind.

Tabula rasa is Latin for "clean slate".  It's a philosophic metaphor for trying to view things void of stereotype without impediment.  No chalk has ever lined the board, nor any smears left by an eraser...as if you were just born from the womb, saw the light, and were held tight for the first time.  No benchmarks have been set for comparison that might alter your perception.  It's a surreal unattainable state of mind one should constantly strive to achieve when addressing matters.  I want to live life without prejudice and create without boundary or background.

 

"Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." – Oscar Wilde

Words are defined by other words and their order is what constitutes language.  Just like music, there are only so many notes or letters and each one has surely been repeated oft enough.  Our freedom is how we choose to arrange and release them.  So that little part about being unattainable…it's true.  No matter how hard we try, our thoughts, words, and actions will always at least to an unavoidable extent be a result of what has affected us.  As a baby you must learn how to speak by first listening.  One cannot develop their own language as a child.  If they did, who shall understand it? 

The better question may be why should I not start a blog.  A lunatic speaks out loud to himself in the street.  Is publishing a public diary of loosely strung thoughts online any different?  Perhaps because the words of a literate individual make sense instead…and hopefully someone actually listens.  However, that likely results from the educational influence of a smeared chalkboard.  My jealousy remains for the homeless cracked out bum who speaks with a tabula rasa.  He cares not who hears, mocks, or misunderstands, and can't even afford a slate or stick of chalk.  Yes he may be unlearned and crazy, but one thing is certain…he truly dances like no one is watching.

Back to the question about why should I start a blog.  Does it matter?  That was just the first unaltered thought that entered my mind when doing so.  I make no guarantee another post will even be made.  But enough figurative pinball...here are some simple straightforward reasons:

·         It's 6 AM (or it was). 

·         I can't sleep. 

·         Sobriety has left me without poetic inspiration. 

·         I don't have enough time or focus to put forth a congruent book.

·         Acquaintances wish to hear my cry no more than I wish to tell them. 

·         I should spare my family and friends from the frivolous burdens of my mind.

·         It’s cathartic. 

·         Someone inspired me.

 

Thomas Jefferson said, “If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”  I think that’s just another fancy quote and layer of chalk dust, but the greatest risk in life is not taking one at all, right?  Alas, more cliché quotes…deal with it.  I would rather mimic a wise man than a fool.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.  So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” - Theodore Roosevelt