Soliloquy

Poetry
Set me free
Words come out
Like rhyming spree

Etymology
Letter alchemy
Melt together
Through antiquity

A-b-c-d-e-f-G
H-i-k-j-k-l-m-n-o-P
Q-r-s-t-u-V
W-x-y and Z

Philosophy
Think deeply
Use your brain
Continuously

January
February
Time rolls on
Perpetually

History
Is but a memory
Don’t change it
That’s blasphemy

Reality
Can’t stop gravity
Life can be
Oh so slippery

Fantasy
All over TV
Rots the mind
Quite graphically

Astrology
Statistically
Make believe
Some fallacy

Sorcery
Raise a mummy
Playing with fire
Can be deadly

Astronomy
Of galaxy
Stare in space
For eternity

Trinity
In prophesy
Alpha Omega
Last infinity

Epiphany
Change mentality
Set your mind
On serenity

Simplicity
Ultimately
Sophistication
By Da Vinci

Italy
Geography
Shaped like a boot
Anomaly

Prairie
Fields of empty
Just a little house
Built last century

Mississippi
River murky
Lining shores
Of water muddy

Winery
In the country
Cracker and cheese
Delicacy

Cherry
Very berry
Sweet simple rhymes
Yummy tummy

Brewery
Distillery
Kegs of beer
Curvy shiny

La Di Da Di
We likes to party
We don't cause trouble
We don't bother nobody

Debauchery
Drink and pee
Cleans you out
Makes you glee

Ambiguity
In your story
Leaves no room
For clarity

Transparency
Prove accuracy
Balanced books
Have symmetry

Honesty
Not perjury
Tell the truth
Avoid mystery

Humility
Talk passively
Hidden strength
Who are we

Humanity
Take bravery
Do something
End apathy

Ferocity
Monstrosity
The only fear
Is itself wimpy

Stormy
Dark and rainy
Touch the sky
Pressure windy

Charity
Don’t be greedy
Share some love
Feed the hungry

Empathy
Beyond sympathy
Feel it inside
Know the weary

Refugee
Catch a ferry
Find freedom
For your family

Community
Spread loyalty
People share
In tranquility

Individuality
Speak vocally
Be yourself
Live openly

Personality
Act politely
Life is short
Don’t be angry

Longevity
Stay healthy
Like a temple
Treat your body

Potpourri
Can be spicy
But fresh clean air
Breathes naturally

Melody
Do Re Mi
Fa So La Ti Da
Lost lyrically

Symphony
Sound capacity
Instruments
Form harmony

Tapestry
Of imagery
Enjoy the arts
Exquisitely

Understudy
Backup scary
People nervous
No other copy

Movie
Medley
Escape the
Temporary

Jubilee
Feel so sunny
Quench my soul
When I’m thirsty

Comedy
State bluntly
Offend someone
Yea that funny

Chimpanzee
Hairy monkey
Scratching backs
Clean the dirty

Ability
Need no pity
Live your life
Valiantly

University
Calm library
Learn the laws
Enjoy study

Geometry
Angle and degree
Delineate
True property

Mathematically
Are you nerdy
Square root of nine
Is number three

Creativity
Break down boundary
Student should teach
The academy

Impartiality
From nationality
Spread some peace
Like born hippie

Jamboree
States decree
Does it matter
If you agree

Society
Is absurdity
Chain free speech
Politically

Embassy
Hidden majesty
Making rules
Who is guilty

Deputy
Let me flee
I’m innocent
Like totally

Monopoly
Fake money
The fruit of life
Grows on tree

Company
Outline strategy
From nine to five
Always busy

Industry
Productivity
Measure success
Track inventory

Electricity
Dependency
Without work
There's no energy

Punctuality
Don’t be tardy
Keep your job
Stay on duty

Slavery
In the colony
Work for the man
Or fight infantry

Adversity
Test unity
We must defend
Our territory

Hopefully
Win the lottery
Sit back relax
Comfortably

Obscenity
Derogatory
Flee from hate
End depravity

Adultery
Play bunny
Lust ain’t love
It’s treachery

Beauty
Can be ugly
Each every eye
See differently

Mockery
In big city
Flashing signs
Are so surly

Irony
Cause injury
Set it straight
Avoid folly

Jealousy
It’s a tragedy
Fills you full
Of agony

Melancholy
It’s ok silly
Without sadness
There’s no happy

Hey baby
Please no maybe
Can I just say
You’re so pretty

Armory
Find the key
Guard your heart
Robert E Lee

Chivalry
Is dead you see
Who killed it
Ones in misery

Chickadee
Me or he
Pick just one
Coffee or tea

Chemistry
You and me
Can’t explain
Just let it be

Trickery
Is so wily
Better watch out
Sting like a bee

Tipsy dazy
Topsy turvy
Stand up straight
Keep fidelity

Psychiatry
Psychology
Shrink your mind
Make you crazy

Therapy
Costs a fee
But I prefer
The salty sea

Surprisingly
Obviously
The last word
Indefinitely

Love ain't what this song's about

So it’s been a few weeks since my last sappy post, and a lot has happened…or not happened.  I’ve tried to leave things alone, but it’s hard to play that game when someone makes you happy.  Every time I regain some dignity and get a piece of my heart back, I seem to just put it right back into a shoebox full of thought labeled for return.  Somehow I managed to meet an architect, a doctor, and a lawyer all within a month and go on nice dates with each one.  But nearly every girl I’ve met my entire life has just been another temporal distraction.  To help clear my mind, I even flew across country to the opposite corner of America, got lost in a big city, slept on freezing ground, surfed in 45 degree water, snowboarded down black diamonds, and randomly ended up at a cabin on a wild river in the middle of nowhere.  Of course the plane flew directly over her hometown and the park we camped at just happened to bear her name.  I could write a whole book about coincidences throughout my life so that’s really no surprise.  Everyone tells me I think too much and read into things, but no one truly knows what’s on my mind.  I’m observant in general and take all these things with a grain of salt.  Even when communicating in person, no one seems to fully understand me.  I’m certain all kinds of assumptions and mockery are now forming with each written word.  All I ever get in response are the same old clichés.  Everyone says you’ll find the right person when you least expect it…stop looking.  I’m not looking.  I wasn’t looking.  Nor was I expecting to meet someone on World Mental Health Day.  Is that a sign?  Is the fact that date is the same as what my bank PIN number has been since high school a sign?  No, but it makes for a good story.  She would never rob me like my first girlfriend did.  She wouldn’t have to anyways.  I’m an open book.  And if whoever is reading this wants to rob me, you’re gonna have to get my card first.  I may have a soft heart, but my will is strong and no single man on earth scares me.  And regardless…

Without somebody, nothing ain’t worth a dime  - Alan Jackson (Livin on Love)

Tis why my last post stated how meaningless my home and job were in comparison with what truly matters in life.  All I’ve ever really wanted is to be mutually in love with a strong and caring woman.  But enough about love; the more you repeat a word, the less meaning it has.  And this still has nothing to do with that as previously posted…especially now that my respect is fading.  Plus this is all starting to sound like word vomit.

Love ain’t what this song’s about
Candlelight
Ain’t what I’m in the mood for now
I don’t need a metaphor
To help me get this out
Love ain’t what this song’s about
It’s about beer and whiskey and drinkin
It’s about playin the fool and acting without thinking
It’s about runnin with your buddies who don’t give a damn
What in the world happens to you man
No love ain’t what this song’s about
It’s about wine and women and song
It’s about doing one thing and makin sure your doin it wrong
It’s about giving in to your deepest desire
Setting the whole damn world on fire
Cryin ain’t what you’re gonna hear
- Roger Creager (Love)

Oh Roger, Roger…setting the whole damn world on fire?  You said no metaphors, but let’s all hope and pray you’re kidding about that one.  I’m not going to set the world on fire and have no desire to.  But I did almost set my house on fire last month by accidently leaving a candle lit overnight.  Good thing I had two smoke alarms, because only one went off at 3 in the morning and it wasn’t that which was closest to the candle.  It’s also good I saw the foot long flame in the corner of my eye before turning back to bed after ripping out the battery under the assumption it was a false alarm.  The ironic part is I made a mental effort to blow out all the candles before getting sleepy so as to avoid such fate.  However, the culprit candle was one that had a broken wick and never stayed lit but somehow held a tiny flame too small to notice.  Lessons learned…double check, don’t assume, and test your smoke alarms!  So not only did I almost lose my house a week after writing the following in my previous entry…

“Sometimes I wish I had nothing (no house, no job, no truck, and no future) so that my life was not inherently defined by everything around me.“

…but the morning after getting back to work from my vacation, I almost got fired.  After nearly nine years of dedication, I got thrown under the bus and put on thin ice.  Did I mention my flight back home got delayed last minute until 10:10 at night? (In case you haven’t already googled the date for World Mental Health Day and started finding ways to hack my bank account.)  Let’s just say I’ll be driving more carefully from now on.

“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”  - Oscar Wilde

Can't You See

If you can’t tell yet again from my previous less ambiguous post, I basically fell in love and tried to deny it. At least that’s what I told my family, friends, coworkers, neighbor, and ex-girlfriends. It can be quite embarrassing, awkward, and some say pathetic to admit especially when you’re walking off the plank alone. However I’ve always thought expressing one’s feelings was a sign of strength. But perhaps it takes a better person to hold all that inside. Call me weak. I don’t care. It’s hard to hurt a man that’s already down.

Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
- Leonard Cohen (Hallelujah)

So I lost…my heart. It’s my fault. I gave it away stubbornly and foolishly. At least it wasn’t stolen. But that makes it more difficult to get back, because she has my respect for not taking it. I’m pretty sure she lost hers somewhere in the past and never had it to share anyways. Meanwhile, other girls keep giving me their heart without reason. Oh, the irony. It’s utterly amazing how attracted women are to you when you ignore them, offer nothing, and are completely apathetic. It’s equally perplexing how fast they will turn the other way when you express the slightest interest. It’s like asking to dance is a marriage proposal. I think that’s partly a hazard of my age and stable situation. Sometimes I wish I had nothing (no house, no job, no truck, and no future) so that my life was not inherently defined by everything around me. Plus the last thing I want is someone to like me for artificial reasons. So here we are. I’ve never watched one, but it sounds like a daytime soap opera.

Before I continue talking about love, let’s get this straight – I am in no way qualified to talk about love. Is anyone? I would put more worth into the unjaded opinion of youth that have never had their heart broken or an elderly couple that has been married for half a century and overcome all obstacles. Also, oldies, rock and roll, and country music seem to have a lot of good ways to describe it. I realize it’s not all cupcakes and unicorns and that it requires teamwork, compromise, and such. Obviously all relationships have internal struggles that we may be better off without, but walking into an empty home every single day after work for nearly a decade can drive a man insane. I refuse to follow the negative train of thought that all relationships lead to heartache and pain. 

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
- Garth Brooks (The Dance)

Perhaps the most precious thing in this world does indeed hinge on semantics. It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. It’s easy to “fall in love” but to look someone in the eyes and tell them “I love you” are two different worlds. The former happens without consent from either individual, and the latter is a promise from one to another. However, the catch remains…how can one ever say they love another without falling in love first? It’s like being born. We can’t choose our parents or what town we are from, but we can decide whether to love our home and stay there or leave and search for something else. And I do believe we can grow to love a new home or a new friend. We don’t have to trip and fall in love at first sight…that should actually be a warning sign of something superficial. What does head over heels mean anyways? My head is already over my heels. If I tripped, my heels might then travel over my head. All this explains my previous admission about crushes and somewhat conflicts with my desire to only follow a spark. A fire doesn’t always have to start with a flint. Friction and heat have the same effect in time. So like I said before, it’s partly beyond our control and partly a decision.

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.”
– Bruce Lee

So maybe I fell in love…big deal. I will never use that word in verb form until the feeling is found to be mutual. I still reserve the right to follow my heart…or slap myself, get it back, and save it for someone that will appreciate it. I think the best thing to do now is leave it all alone. I love the state where I’m from and likely will spend the rest of my days in it. But if you asked me that the last day of high school, I would have said good riddance and already crossed the border to college hundreds of miles away. It wasn’t until I left that I realized how much I loved home.

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”

After writing, reading, editing, and re-reading all this several times I’m still not sure any of it makes sense or ties together. Can’t you see?

Don't Fall in Love!

So if you can’t tell from my previous somewhat ambiguous post, I had a pretty big crush on someone.  Big enough to format my heart into a bullet point utopian happily ever after list fit to scare away every single girl on the planet.  I use the past tense because the present is constantly changing and the future is never known.  I use the term crush because that’s what it was.  Infatuation.  Love at first sight.  Temporal madness.

I felt like a schoolboy about to hold hands for the first time in my life.  We never held hands though.  We never even went on a real date or shared a kiss.  Yet the atmosphere would change around her; the air would feel inexplicably different.  If there were a barometer on the wall, it would shake like an erratic compass set at the North Pole axis.  A simple smile would ignite spark plugs and override a medical pacemaker.  You could sit me in front of a runway lined with supermodels and I would only see her.

“Happiness and sanity are an impossible combination”. – Mark Twain

Crazy?  Perhaps.  Scary?  You bet.  I’m sure that’s what she thinks and it’s hard to disagree.  The common advice from my handful of close friends and family is “don’t fall in love”.  My initial reaction was why not?  What kind of cold world do we live in where love is frowned upon or something to run from?  However, for me this has nothing to do with love...yet.  Maybe it never will.  Time will tell.

I’ve had crushes before (not of this magnitude), but none that lasted.  They all turned out as blessings in disguise.  Therefore, I find myself reluctantly glad to be in the friend zone.  I don’t want to break another heart any more than I want mine broken.  I don’t want another relationship to start for the wrong reason.  But neither do I want to start one without a spark.  I’ve been down both roads before and neither seemed fit for love.

Love is the biggest word in the world and the most powerful force in life.  I could go on quoting Book of Corinthians, Sophocles, Diana Ross, or George Strait and analyze every philosophical aspect of what love is, but in reality it’s something that can’t be fully defined.  Some say it’s a decision and a commitment.  Some say it’s fate and beyond our control.  I say it’s all these things.  Nothing is black and white, and all words have more than one meaning.  Love is both a noun and verb.  The most precious thing on earth should not hinge on a debate over semantics.

Does any of that make sense?  If not…good.  The only thing I know for sure about love, is that it doesn’t make sense.  If it did make clear perfect sense, it would cease to exist.  It would instead morph into some conditional checklist, mathematical equation, or scorecard matrix.  We are not robots set to binary code.  We are human.

I've reached the only logical conclusion
Love ain't supposed to make sense
This ain't no thinkin' thing, right brain, left brain
It goes a little deeper than that
It's a chemical, physical, emotional devotion
Passion that we can't hold back
There's nothin' that we need to analyze
There ain't no rhym or reason why
- Trace Adkins (This Ain't No Thinkin' Thing)

Hello, is there anybody in there?

I can’t explain what this is about, because I’m not even sure myself…plus you just have to figure some things out on your own.

 

• My perfect mate would not be perfect. 
• She would be human and have feelings.
• She would be strong enough to admit her own errors and tell me when I am wrong. 
• Everyone has faults…love is when you appreciate those faults. 
• Nothing would be hidden...honesty is being open without inquisition. 
• We would have enough similarities to enjoy life together and enough differences to learn from each other.
• She would be my best friend above and beyond anything else.
• We would both want the same from life.
• Her hair color and skin type would not matter because she would be as beautiful with grey hair and wrinkles as the day I met her. 
• I would see the world in her eyes and feel heaven in her arms. 
• Her voice would sound special.
• Her scent would affect your brain in ways you don’t even know.
• She would erase all doubts and take all desire.
• She would accept me for who I am and change me just enough to know it matters.
• The past would disappear and future be seen. 
• My heart would beat. 
• I would be nervous at first but comfortable at last. 
• There would be no fear.
• She would be hard to get but easy to have.
• Obstacles would only strengthen us.
• She would ask and never assume.
• She would understand misunderstandings.
• We would trust ourselves over anyone else. 
• I would be as right for her as she was right for me. 
• There would be an inexplicable connection. 
• We could communicate without speaking. 
• You would hate to leave her for work, but do it because it helped support your family. 
• She would put me on a natural high.
• We would dance slow, dance fast, dance drunk, and dance sober.
• We could walk anywhere…even the plank or the aisle.
• We would always be each other’s number one priority.
• In sickness and in health.
• Happiness would be contagious.
• Smiles would come without effort.
• We would laugh at serious matters and be serious about funny matters.
• We would believe in each other.
• I would not feel alone when she is away.
• We could make fun of each other and not get offended.
• Responsibility would be shared without complaint.
• Arguments would be civil.
• Fights would only be with big soft pillows (feather for her, cotton for me…to keep it fair)
• The risk in knowing that any day either could be gone would be no risk at all.
• Odd or even number of flower petals would not matter.
• Flowers would not matter....thoughts and actions would.
• We could sit outside a closed coffee shop for hours and be content staring at traffic.
• I would just keep adding to this list as time went on.

 

Wow.  That all sounds unreal and intimidating.  So I guess she would have to also not take life too seriously.  You know the rest of the quote…it’s cliché.